It’s been 6 years and 5months since Shauna left on a no return journey, I had never felt it was necessary to tell my other children about her passing. How insensitive! They had seen me with a big belly and they expected a baby in the house.
A few weeks ago during one of those de-cluttering the house moments, I landed on my firstborn’s notebook and she had written this “ the saddest day of my life was when my little sister died and no one told me” oooh my God!!!!, feeling pained is an understatement I crowned myself a bad mother.
This got me thinking if I really had to tell them about her, yes, my firstborn is 16years she can understand but then my 9year old son is very emotional and what about my almost 5year old, how do I get to tell them about their Angel Sister. I haven’t been this confused in my life, I don’t want to lie to my children but again I don’t want to hurt them, being stuck in between a rock and a hard place mmmm. It’s their right to know but it’s also my duty to protect them from pain. Waaaau I have been sleeping on it for weeks now, that during one of my 3 am prayer time I dedicated that day to ask God to direct me on what to do.
I have tried to ask around what my pips think, I have got answers like;
“ When the right time comes they will know”
“ Rach stop this white way of living life, you don’t have to tell them”
“ If she wrote it, it’s because she knows you don’t have to explain”
“ Ray drop this Shauna topic”
Besides those answers I have also got these below which are few but very impactful;
“ She was their sister they have a right to know, for closure and grieving too”
“Rachael it’s okay talk to them they are good kids, the
More often we ignore children’s feelings and opinions when we suffer a miscarriage, stillbirth, loss of a baby or an infant who never celebrated their first birthday
- Aren’t we being insensitive with them?
- On our healing /coping journey don’t we need to involve them?
Well, I have eventually gathered enough strength to talk to my babies during holiday about their Angel Sister Shauna. To explain to them why early this year in February we had a cake to celebrate Shauna, the mystery around 4 names on my back tattoo, yet they are physically 3. With such questions, and confusion that’s where Vessel is me
comes is, with our core initiatives, these are addressed; during our monthly therapy tribe gatherings, Angel Parentshave a safe space to share their stories, challenges, and progress as well.
In Perinatal Loss care, various stakeholders are trained to implement a more comprehensive family-centered approach to caring for families facing this such helps to answer questions like what I have struggled with all these years.
I hope this has helped you think about those questions siblings ask or even those betrayals they feel from us their parents and how you might use it as you move through your own grief alongside your other children’s grief process.
Please feel free to share on how based you have handled disclosing to the other siblings about their Angel Sister or Brother’s passing