Sitting in my bed on a Sunday morning, I make a call to one of my acquaintances we talk about everything else as I tell her to have a nice day woooooi the questions pop.
“Rachael exactly what is this Vessel is me? “
“ Do you also handle men?”
“Someone needs help please”
After that call, yes I well know we do handle men and we are preparing a therapy tribe gathering for them but well it threw back to the men in my life when they experienced loss of what happened.
I was raised knowing men are strong ooooh yes they are, but they are human too, they ain’t made of steel nor are they rock, they feel too just like any of us. But the World expects them not to show pain, or even hurtful emotions how wrong.
Well well I still went further to soul searching from the one that was nearest to me 6yrs and 5months ago, when our little girl left. I questioned myself
“Did he grief?”
“Was he even permitted to? , oooh yes permitted”
“Who did he ever confine in?”
“Did he bag up all his pain to stay strong for me or Us?”
“Or did it just pass?”
“After all these years, how is he coping with Shauna’s passing?”
Woooi I didn’t think he was grieving too so did other people. Selfish mmmh didn’t expect him to or didn’t know he was.
what is the definition of grieve was the first thing that came to my mind?
“Grieve is all the feelings you have when someone close to you dies”
So when a baby dies from miscarriage, stillbirth or at or after birth, the hope of being a parent dies too !!!!! then why would we expect fathers not to hurt, they hurt too yes they do. But the many myths, their gender alone doesn’t permit them to. They are considered weak when exhibiting pain noooooooooooo it’s not weakness, it’s not.
“He told me back then whenever he got to that spot I called and said we have lost her, the pain was fresh the call still echoed in his ears”
I didn’t realize he was hurting too, no one told me we had to grieve together she was ours, I never asked how he felt till today I have never asked how exactly he felt, sadly I may never get to ask about his pain about that loss on his side.
When a father loses a child to miscarriage, stillbirth, at or after birth, their dreams of holding the baby, watching them grow are gone, so much of what they wanted and planned are lost too. It leaves a large, empty space inside him, which will take a long time to heal this space.
Men having the gift or should I call it the power to compartmentalize they are misunderstood when a loss happens.
Generally, when men lose here is how they may show grief which is largely misunderstood.
Ø He may grieve by himself which most of them do, he may not want to talk about his loss, he may spend more time at work or do things away from home, or even his favorite sport (at ours it was football) to keep his mind off the loss.
Ø He may feel like he is supposed to be strong, tough and protect his family. He may not know how to show his feelings. He may think that talking about his feelings makes him weak.
Ø He may try to work through his grief on his own rather than ask for help
Showing grief doesn’t have any rules or instructions and truthfully Men and women grieve differently but it’s time to acknowledge let alone the myths and everything which comes with loss, Men need help walking to throw this grief journey.
I read somewhere “Grief isn’t a life sentence, it’s a life passage”
It’s a common human experience, so then it’s also okay for a man to grieve they are only human, they need to go through this, they need a walk with, they also need to know there is a space for them to show emotion. It’s not being weak. As wives, partners, friends, the family let’s not make men feel indifferent and weak when they show emotion and pain after loss, let’s rather stand and walk with them this journey of loss.