Today, I woke up to a reminder that it was your day. One of the gut-wrenching days of my life however as I have come to know one I had no control over. Upon my declaration in 2022 to honor and celebrate you on this day (you can thank your big sister Keilah) I had to go back into my medical files to find the actual date. I found one of the doctors had written “second pregnancy- missed abortion” and this had me in my feelings. Abortion? What? How? I opened google to find out what this medical terminology meant for we lay man. Missed abortion is when the fetus dies several weeks before there are symptoms and bleeding begin. The difference between a miscarriage that begins with bleeding and a missed abortion is that the missed abortion was diagnosed by ultrasound or a blood test before there is bleeding or other symptoms A missed abortion in the first trimester is diagnosed by the stagnation of fetal development and / or the absence of a fetal heartbeat.

And indeed, this is what happened to you, you removed yourself from my body and left me empty with a huge void and I didn’t know how to fill it because I really wanted to be your mother. I wanted to hold you in my arms, watch you grow, learning to navigate this weird place called earth however that wasn’t how our story would go. Ours was meant to be a spiritual journey, a mothering of a soul in another realm, something I hadn’t been prepared for let alone aware of. So, yes, when your grief showed up during your other sister Keitangaza’ s mourning period, I now understand why. It’s been hard honouring and celebrating you because 7 weeks and 4 days, only a handful of people knew I was pregnant at the time and when that Doctor told me “this pregnancy is not viable” I felt my whole world crumble. To be honest I don’t think I ever left that moment, a huge part of me died at that clinic and every time I pass it, I get goosebumps and a chill right up my spin. You took that version of “Kekimuri” with you and I didn’t get time to mourn. I want to thank you for introducing me to this world of suffering, pain and damn near death because without it I wouldn’t have been able to know what kindness, compassion and empathy are and the degree to which our emotional beings require these in order to function on a spectrum that vibrates higher than any other. To learn how to extend grace to others without having any hidden agenda but more so because we really don’t know what battles people are facing. I thank you for this James.

Today, as I light a candle in your honour, I’ll have an attitude of gratitude because you’ve introduced me into a world where my soul is at ease despite the pain and suffering, we have found a place to call home. Thank you, my boy. Mummy loves you…. remember that.

Written by:

Denise Kekimuri.

Angel mother of two.